"Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but an improved means to an unimproved end." Henry David Thoreau, WaldenSo to distract me from my distractions in serious things, I began to think about useless things. Small, uncelebrated inventions abound, like the Downy ® Ball ® fabric softener dispenser and the Reach ® Access TM Flosser. Useless inventions came to mind less quickly until I began to think of who buys most of the useless material excesses in this world: new parents, pet owners, obscenely rich people, and people addicted to Wal-Mart. I thought of the Baby Toupee, costumes for cats, decorative throw pillows, and a $40 Monogrammed Steak Brand from Williams-Sonoma.
Suddenly, though, Tom Smykowski came to mind, a supporting character in the film, Office Space. Tom represents the average American: working for a living, trying to make it to retirement age, paranoid about corporate downsizing. In one scene, he and the three main characters, all programmers in a software corporation, are discussing possible layoffs.
TOM"You know there are people in this world who don't have to put up with this shit? Like that guy that invented the Pet Rock. You see, that's what you have to do. You have to use your mind and come up with some really great idea like that and you never have to work again!"MICHAEL"I don't think the Pet Rock was really such a great idea."TOM"That guy made a million dollars!"
Immediately I realized that the Pet Rock might be the most useless thing ever invented. Just the idea that someone purchased something like a pet rock, that thousands of people purchased something like a pet rock, burned my sensibilities. A rock, even in pretty packaging, doesn't entertain for more than a moment, and as a gift, is somewhat insulting. Here, you say, I've found the perfect pet for you. Clearly you are too inept to care for something living, even a fern, so here is something to serve as a warning to every casual acquaintance who might otherwise mistakenly ask you to house-sit.
Invented, or rather, dreamt up in 1975 by a drunk advertiser named Gary Dahl, each rock cost one cent to Dahl, and with packaging, he charged $3.95. That's three ninety-five in 1975 dollars. For a rock. The guy really did make millions within months, and by Valentine's Day of 1976, the Pet Rock had become a dead fad. While reading the history of this embarrassing lack of judgement on the part of my fellow Americans on virtualpet.com, I learned that the Pet Rock may have faded in popularity, but it's inventor did not. Authors were interviewing Dahl as an inspiration to the average person seeking that one invention that would let them retire young. Dahl produced a product "that gave people a few moments of absolutely meaningless pleasure in a troubled world."
So here I've been sitting, fuming over the audacity of a man who would pawn off this rip-off to impressionable consumers as a legitimate gift, when all along it's popularity was established by the fact that people really did enjoy that goofy, expensive rock. It's value, akin to that of a greeting card, was purely in creating a moment, lightening the spirits and serving as a reminder that someone wanted to see someone else smile. Thoreau, like myself, was too mired down in the "serious things" of life and failed to see how even the most useless-looking invention has some worth, even if only momentarily. In the case of the Pet Rock, its enduring worth lies its ability to continue to inspire people to dream, create, and reach out for a better life.
Somewhere in history, an unwieldy, expensive piece of farm equipment that neither improved upon previous technology nor brought anyone anything but angst probably tops the useless inventions list, but I haven't heard of it. It occurs to me that perhaps considering the myriad mysterious connections between people and events that often only time reveals, there may be no such thing as a useless invention. Inventions, like art, reflect the inherent worth in their creators and in the greater story of humanity.
