Tonight I found out that an old friend's little sister, Laura, died in a car accident. At first, I was just shocked. I didn't know Laura well, and in fact hadn't seen her since we were in high school ten years ago. Alas, you never know when another life lesson is going to smack you in the face.
My friend is a year younger than I am, and her little sister was a freshman when I was a senior. It was my dear friend, Melisa, who called to tell me. She grew up with Laura, and she and I and Laura's older sister had so much fun together in high school.
Melisa told me that the accident had been Laura's fault: she drifted into oncoming traffic. The reports from the autopsy weren't back yet. A woman in the car she hit also died. The other three passengers were okay physically. She told me about Laura's wake and how many friends and family were there. She told me how distraught Laura's family was, and how hard it was to see them. We went on to talk about other things and catch up on each other's lives.
After getting off the phone, I was still very bothered. I could hear Laura's laugh, and her sister's, and see her face clearly. I made dinner, ate with my very sympathetic husband, then got online to Google Laura and see if there were any pictures or memorials posted yet. Instead, I found several news articles about the accident. The local paper described how Laura, 25, had drifted into oncoming traffic and killed a 60 year old woman who was in town to watch her son graduate from the local federal training center. The paper said it was unknown whether Laura had been drinking. The bigger city paper, though, with all the sensitivity of a big city, led with a headline, "Alcohol, Speeding factor in collision." The investigation "led police to suspect" that Laura had been drinking and speeding. The different perspectives of the newspaper and my friend Melisa surprised me.
Those who know me well know I abhor drunk driving. I openly and aggressively chastise any person who drives after drinking. Then tonight I read about Laura, a woman whose sister was once a good friend of mine, possibly causing an accident by drinking and speeding. I immediately felt how horrid it must be to read one newspaper after another painting your sister out to be just another drunk driver.
It took a couple more hours before, at long last, the emotion washed over me. Thanks to some particularly dramatic music on the TV, a little barrier inside me fell, and there it was. For all my self-righteous anger at those who deign to drive after drinking, for the first time I knew the person whom one family blames for the death of their loved one. Outside of the perspective of the victim of a drunk driving accident, I sit mourning a sweet, sweet girl who was loved and loved others and was not evil at all. Hell, I've known times when I was positive I was fine to drive after a few drinks, only to get halfway home and realize maybe I should have gotten a cab. And then that existential realization washed over me that I've been sheltered from for far too long. My husband was in a minor car accident just today when someone rear-ended him, but I have him home safely tonight. More than anything, conflicting feelings of guilt and compassion push out from inside my chest, guilt that I've been so condemning of others without seeing their humanity, and compassion for those who have to watch their loved ones vilified for a tragic mistake.
This is obviously new to me, and everyone probably goes through the same self-examination at some point following a death. It's worse knowing that tomorrow morning, though I'll still be shaken, my day will go on as usual and I'll probably have some good laughs while others are forever touched by this accident. My friend should know, though, that my perspective is widened. I remember Laura, funny and sweet, I'll be a little more compassionate because of her.
